I have a great friend from high school whom I have known for nearly 40 years now. It never ceases to amaze me that regardless of the intervals between our conversations either in person or on the phone how little time it takes to pick up exactly where we left off the last time. It's the innate ability to slip from the "One Dimensional" conversations which we have every single day with our families, businesses, customers and acquaintances. The "How Is Your Day?" or "How Was Your Weekend?" conversations. These are necessary means of connecting with one another and it starts to build a foundation of friendship and trust.
When we begin to build a foundation of trust, empathy and find some commonalities between us, we begin to share more about our lives. Social media keeps us behind a keyboard these days and as a result, I think the art of conversation starts to become something we realize we need more of.
It's when we are able to hold what I call "Three Dimensional" conversations that we start to connect on a deeper level. Where we commune with something deeper within our soul and relate to one another without fear of rejection or ridicule that true meaning renders itself in the sound of our own voice.
What do I mean by "Three Dimensional"? Somewhere between the sharing of the cost of a gallon of milk and the state of affairs of our lives in general. Are we happy, sad, struggling, challenged, unsure, emotional, healthy, unhealthy.?" What holds us back from connecting on a meaningful level? We don't go through this life without our own battle scars and often the repercussion are the walls we build up around us. It's a natural instinct for survival to not want to be hurt after a particularly painful relationship or friendship; however, those walls we build up can also serve as a detriment by keeping us alone or shut off from the world. So if you're struggling to carve out a little hole in those protective walls around you and to start engaging, think about this for a moment:
Be A Good Listener: When I first entered the business I am currently in, I knew without a doubt or convinced myself that it was way out of my field of expertise. A combination of a lack of confidence or knowledge made navigating a conference room extremely difficult. What if I was asked a question I could not answer? What if they find out, I'm a fake? So, what I did was to be a really good listener. I would introduce myself and my business and then quickly turn the conversation over to whomever I was speaking by asking them about themselves. You would be surprised how many people enjoy talking about themselves. Here's the thing, I was genuinely interested in what they had to say. I made eye contact, nodded occasionally and periodically asked follow up questions. When you do this enough, people tend to remember you, not by your lack of knowledge or confidence, but by your willingness to listen, which in turn makes you a good conversationalist. You can apply this to just about any situation. You can learn a lot about people by what they say. You can also begin to expand your own self confidence by learning using this basic little concept. Remember, be authentically present as a listener, pretending to listen or not being in the moment throws the entire concept away.
Go Deeper. It's a natural, innate desire to want to love and be loved and connect on a three dimensional level that goes beyond listening. This type of connection requires mutual two-way give and take in conversation about real life feelings. If you start to get real with who you are, as a human, stop chastising yourself for past mistakes, behaviors, actions and focus on who you are today, in this moment. I have yet to meet a single person that hasn't done something they are not entirely proud of and often this carries with us in our relationships with others. Once we start to accept ourselves and all the baggage that comes with it, we are able to accept others just as they are, without judgment. That's a gift, you know, to another human. The gift of unconditional friendship. It's not necessary to agree with everyone's point of view, you only have to respect that it's theirs and demand they respect yours. When we have the freedom to be authentic and present at the same time, it allows everyone around us to start to drop those walls that imprison us.
I have a good friend who is extremely organized. Her house is organized with labels on bins, kitchen counters free of clutter and she always manages to seem put together and still serve a hot, healthy meal every night. I, on the other hand, have a tendency toward the opposite, even with very good intentions to achieve the organization goal. Instead of feeling less superior about serving a salad and Kraft Macaroni, I've learned to simply embrace that instead of feeling like a failure. Is either of us wrong? Do we love our children any less? Emphatically, NO. If we go deeper, we would find that each of us, she and I, have our own struggles, they are simply different. Choose to empower those you connect with, allowing them the freedom to be who they are by finding similarities instead of what makes you different.
In the end, remember, we simply aren't going to connect with everyone we meet on a deeper level. For whatever reasons, some people may not have the same empowering agenda. Know your boundaries and who falls into the "One Dimensional" connection and celebrate those who allow you the freedom to enter into the "Three Dimensional" connections as those will feed your soul.
When we begin to build a foundation of trust, empathy and find some commonalities between us, we begin to share more about our lives. Social media keeps us behind a keyboard these days and as a result, I think the art of conversation starts to become something we realize we need more of.
It's when we are able to hold what I call "Three Dimensional" conversations that we start to connect on a deeper level. Where we commune with something deeper within our soul and relate to one another without fear of rejection or ridicule that true meaning renders itself in the sound of our own voice.
What do I mean by "Three Dimensional"? Somewhere between the sharing of the cost of a gallon of milk and the state of affairs of our lives in general. Are we happy, sad, struggling, challenged, unsure, emotional, healthy, unhealthy.?" What holds us back from connecting on a meaningful level? We don't go through this life without our own battle scars and often the repercussion are the walls we build up around us. It's a natural instinct for survival to not want to be hurt after a particularly painful relationship or friendship; however, those walls we build up can also serve as a detriment by keeping us alone or shut off from the world. So if you're struggling to carve out a little hole in those protective walls around you and to start engaging, think about this for a moment:
Be A Good Listener: When I first entered the business I am currently in, I knew without a doubt or convinced myself that it was way out of my field of expertise. A combination of a lack of confidence or knowledge made navigating a conference room extremely difficult. What if I was asked a question I could not answer? What if they find out, I'm a fake? So, what I did was to be a really good listener. I would introduce myself and my business and then quickly turn the conversation over to whomever I was speaking by asking them about themselves. You would be surprised how many people enjoy talking about themselves. Here's the thing, I was genuinely interested in what they had to say. I made eye contact, nodded occasionally and periodically asked follow up questions. When you do this enough, people tend to remember you, not by your lack of knowledge or confidence, but by your willingness to listen, which in turn makes you a good conversationalist. You can apply this to just about any situation. You can learn a lot about people by what they say. You can also begin to expand your own self confidence by learning using this basic little concept. Remember, be authentically present as a listener, pretending to listen or not being in the moment throws the entire concept away.
Go Deeper. It's a natural, innate desire to want to love and be loved and connect on a three dimensional level that goes beyond listening. This type of connection requires mutual two-way give and take in conversation about real life feelings. If you start to get real with who you are, as a human, stop chastising yourself for past mistakes, behaviors, actions and focus on who you are today, in this moment. I have yet to meet a single person that hasn't done something they are not entirely proud of and often this carries with us in our relationships with others. Once we start to accept ourselves and all the baggage that comes with it, we are able to accept others just as they are, without judgment. That's a gift, you know, to another human. The gift of unconditional friendship. It's not necessary to agree with everyone's point of view, you only have to respect that it's theirs and demand they respect yours. When we have the freedom to be authentic and present at the same time, it allows everyone around us to start to drop those walls that imprison us.
I have a good friend who is extremely organized. Her house is organized with labels on bins, kitchen counters free of clutter and she always manages to seem put together and still serve a hot, healthy meal every night. I, on the other hand, have a tendency toward the opposite, even with very good intentions to achieve the organization goal. Instead of feeling less superior about serving a salad and Kraft Macaroni, I've learned to simply embrace that instead of feeling like a failure. Is either of us wrong? Do we love our children any less? Emphatically, NO. If we go deeper, we would find that each of us, she and I, have our own struggles, they are simply different. Choose to empower those you connect with, allowing them the freedom to be who they are by finding similarities instead of what makes you different.
In the end, remember, we simply aren't going to connect with everyone we meet on a deeper level. For whatever reasons, some people may not have the same empowering agenda. Know your boundaries and who falls into the "One Dimensional" connection and celebrate those who allow you the freedom to enter into the "Three Dimensional" connections as those will feed your soul.
